standing apart

lord, when i become downtrodden while gazing at the world surrounding me and am dismayed at the suffering--lord, be my light. whisper your words back into to my ears, above the screaming and shouting crying: you command us - you commission us - to spread the good news of christ to every tribe and tongue and nation. you call us to be SET APART, lord - to look RADICALLY DIFFERENT than the world around us: to speak differently, to believe differently, to live differently, to act differently.

when we obey you, lord, we stand apart.

we do not fit in. lord, the best part is that you know we will struggle because of this, and you go before us by sending the holy spirit to fill us in place of the comfort of the world. when we're left out, we want to run back to the world for comfort, but you, god, send the holy spirit to be our comforter! our joy! you truly do provide for your every need. you truly are all wee need because you care for us in ways we do not even know or realize.

as we stand apart from the world, a gap forms, and it breaks our hearts to see those who are perishing, but lord, you tell us that it is as hard as a camel passing through the eye of a needle to enter the kingdom. lord, let us not be dismayed beyond hope with the state of our world. let us not give up but continue to press onward. we must remember that as the gap widens, we are constantly moving closer to you, pressing forward into the great commission and preparing for your coming. we are preparing a place for you once again, lord jesus, our beautiful savior!

let us not be afraid to run confidently in the path of your commands, proclaim your word BOLDLY, and pray humbly, always remembering who we are and whose we are, and therefore, WHY we are.

resolution

"With the help of her spiritual directors, she progressively came to grasp that her painful inner experience was an essential part of living out her mission. It was sharing in the passion of Christ on the cross--with a particular emphasis on the thirst of Jesus as the mystery of His longing for the love and salvation of every human person. Eventually, she recognized her mysterious suffering as an imprint of Christ's passion on her soul. She was living in the mystery of Calvary--the Calvary of Jesus and the Calvary of the poor.
Her living of this inner experience was an integral aspect of her vocation, the most challenging demand of her mission, and the supreme expression of her love for God and for His poor. Beyond providing care for the downtrodden and outcasts of human society, she was willing to embrace their material and spiritual suffering, their state of being 'unwanted, unloved, uncared for,' of having no one.
Although the intense and ongoing spiritual agony could have made her despondent, she instead radiated remarkable joy and love. She was truly a witness to hope, an apostle of love and joy because she had built the edifice in her life on pure faith. She glowed with a kind of 'luminosity,' ... which flowed from her relationship with God."

-Mother Teresa from "Come Be My Light: the Private Writings of the Saint of Calcutta"

I pray that I may cling to the promise that, through pain and trials, Christ is imprinting Himself onto my very life, and that my job is to be a witness to the hope that comes through saying "yes" to Him, even at the expense of a painful life.

how to deal with stress

i was talking to one of my mentors at home recently, and she said something that i've hidden in my heart for safe keeping, and i want to share it with you, too. it's quite simple, actually. basically, it's the idea that we are not citizens of this world. even though we live here, our citizenship is not here, but in Heaven (we are IN the world, but not OF the world). often we forget to live our daily lives with this simple yet incredibly crucial fact in mind. because our lives don't end here by any means, there is no reason for us to worry about the little things, and keeping the state of our citizenship in mind can help us judge what is great and what is small in light of eternity. lately, as i've been going through some tough times with my parents getting divorced, i've been tempted to allow satan to trap me in worry - to convince me that my problems are huge and all-consuming... but we have to remember that he is the father of lies and aims to deceive above all else. even though it is a large, complicated problem, in light of eternity, it is a very temporary problem - not something that i can allow to hinder my life of freedom in christ and my pressing onward in pursuing righteousness. don't allow lies to permeate the truths you know and love and that have been etched upon your heart by God.

be joyful! the Lord our God is mighty to save! He has already won, and we are to walk in that path He has laid before us, constantly handing over to Him our worries, our stress, and our hurts.

"do not be anxious about anythiing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." -phil. 4:6

a painful risk

“...and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –Anaïs Nin

"She stood there, leafy camouflage fallen away and bare bark exposed, reaching her arms into the darkness, unafraid. A reminder of the easy grace that comes from not hiding and the simple paradox that strength comes from mounting no defenses."
-Megan Lane

I am finding myself somewhere in between these two states of being… somewhere in between the painful risk of refusing to hide and the relief that comes from letting down the walls.

One of the things I have really been striving to do this summer is to honestly claim who I am in the exact place in which I am without making excuses or apologies. The time I have spent in isolation has brought about a lot of new perspective, but it has also brought a lot of personal issues to the surface that have been compressed and stifled for a long time, and I cannot pretend that the process of addressing them is not a painful one.

I want to be honest about the ways in which I have changed this summer, and part of that honestly involves a mutual understanding that pain is an ever-present factor in my life. I believe in a God who not only cultivates my pain and uses it for purpose, but who purposefully has me walk through pain for a purpose. But I will be honest about the fact that it’s not fun; it’s hard, and it’s raw, and it’s brutal, and I hate it.

I am committing to honesty in my life, to refusing to put on the “everything is great” exterior, because I want people to see that pain is a part of my story, that my pain points to the face of the Lord, Jesus Christ, that my pain is the reason why I am who I am, and that the Lord has done amazing things in my life through pain.

Part of this honesty that I feel I am being called to involves addressing the pain it takes to embrace myself. I have reached a point where it hurts more to hide than it does to openly claim myself for exactly who I am; yet, it still hurts to claim myself. It is a rocky journey, one that (in my life) can feel very positive and productive one day yet can also feel terribly shattering the next. One of the things I am learning is that a productive day for me isn’t always a positive one. Sometimes, what is most productive for me on any given day might involve great sadness, anger, and depression coupled with the time it takes to process through these emotions. But you see, I am free. I am not in bondage any more to these emotions. I am free because I am allowing myself to feel when I need to feel. I am allowing myself to come to terms with my human need to process anger constructively, my need dwell in sadness at times, and my need to channel the murky confusion of depression. Simply allowing ALL my emotions a place to run their course is a huge step for me; ceasing to patronize myself for feeling negativity has been a huge breakthrough for me.

Yet, there is fear in my heart. It is easy to find freedom in being who I am when I have lived practically alone in isolation for three months… but going back to Wheaton, a campus where everyone feels the need to love Jesus and smile more than the person sitting next to them terrifies me. I don’t know if Wheaton wants all of me – if it wants my brutal emotional honesty or my refusal to hide for the sake of promoting a “better” image.

I guess it doesn’t matter…. because I am going back to school in 6 days, and there is no stopping that.

restoration

Sometimes I wake up and I long for more. There are days when my normal life suits me just fine… when mundane tasks and normal schedules are fine with me, and sometimes refreshing… Yet there are other days-- days like today-- when I say to myself, “Charlotte… you have to do something with your life”… and the “something” can’t just be anything ordinary. Although I’ve always felt that passion has been an integral part of my personality since the day I took my first breath, living this summer for the first time as completely an adult and for the first time in isolation has taught me immeasurable lessons...lessons that I plan to write about over the next month out of fear of forgetting them but also out of joy in sharing the contentment that I have found.

Anyone who knows me vaguely well knows that I find great enjoyment in coffee shops, not only for the fact that they have coffee, but mostly because of the atmosphere. My favorite coffee shops are in Hillsboro village in Nashville. I like them so much because they provide an atmosphere that I find myself most at ease in; I kick my flip flops off, sink into a comfy chair, and lounge in the tranquil summer heat, reading, reflecting, writing, sipping on something delicious, and lavishing in the sights and sounds and smells that are the wonderful city that is Nashville … cars whizzing by, music always playing in every direction, the candle waxy sun melting down on me, the light breeze teasing my hair. I’m not hard to please. I miss my home for these reasons, and I plan to spend some time doing these things when I go back to visit next week.

Today is Saturday, glorious Saturday – the day that nothing is required of me and the time is all mine… and I was thinking Borders. Not only does Borders have coffee, comfy chairs, and big windows with sunshine streaming through, but they have BOOKS! Lots and lots and lots of them! Honestly, what more could I want? Although I came with the intention of studying, that intention quickly faded as I walked past the magazines. I love magazines simply for the pictures.

I would say that six months ago, had I walked into Borders, I would have made a beeline directly to that section. You know… THAT section… the one with Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Lucky, Elle, Vogue, InStyle… THOSE magazines that tell me how I’m supposed to define myself… what I’m supposed to look like, dress like, act like, how I’m supposed to flip my hair as I walk, apply the correct shade of lipstick, and make a man fall in love with me. Six months ago, those things mattered to me... those things defined me… and every time I didn’t “measure up”, a tiny piece of me would die inside whether I acknowledged it or not.

Today, I walked into Borders, took one look at that section, and walked past it, uninterested. Instead, I picked up a literary magazine combining photography and writing, a craft magazine, and southern living (just for old times’ sake). I flip through, fingering the pages tenderly, relishing the beauty on the page as my mind slips into the photograph, my heart washing away with the ocean and my soul lying bare on the page.

I am a passionate, courageous, strong woman because I serve a god who teaches me that true beauty is found in the simplicity of His creation… that I am loved beyond measure even as the world shouts at me that I am worth nothing, I deserve nothing, and I am nothing… He teaches me that I am beautifully broken, which allows Him to make me perfectly whole… that I suffer because in my suffering, I find rest with Him in the knowledge that I share in His sacrifice for me. Because of my God, my ability to love far exceeds that of this world… and I continue to pour myself out on this bleeding world that He made, that He loves so deeply, loving and loving and loving and giving until I have nothing left to give…. And then turning my face to Him, feeling Him shine on me and hold me close, healing me, restoring me, nurturing me, and whispering softly in my ear… “You are mine. I will never let you go. I love you."

worth it

one thing god is teaching me is the exact depth of his perfection. as a woman who has relied on other people throughout her entire life to make or break her happiness, it can be frustrating, even devastating when someone doesn't come through. when someone else can't be everything i need, it is easy to let my world fall apart. unfortunately, this hurts the other person... what huge responsibility! and it hurts me too... what huge expectations in a being as infallible as a human! yet, god is PERFECT. god doesn't fall through for me when i have needs. god is a perfect father in every way. i can call on him at any point, even late at night or early in the morning, and he will be there for me 100%. he won't leave me dragging my feet through the desert sand, feeling so thirsty and finding no water in sight... or worse, finding only enough water for one sip.... a sip that teases me enough to torment me with hope but not enough to quench me, as friendship can often do. just knowing his name is like water... just in calling him my abba. just meditating on his peace is sometimes more than i can deal with at once.

i am overwhelmed with how much i owe him, how broken i find myself before him, yet how much he has provided so that i am now called a royal priesthood...a holy nation...... ......beloved daughter. those words sting me deeply in an incomprehensible way.... i don't understand the depth of those words, and i do not understand that love... but i know how much i want it. i want it so badly that my body aches for it... my heart cries out to comprehend it... my soul thirsts to know what it means to be cherished. and yet, the lord does not waste my suffering. it is worth it. it is worth it for me to suffer for his purposes. he is worth my suffering. this song could not explain it better:

"worth it all" - rita springer

"i don't understand your ways.... oh but i will give you my song! give you all of my praise. you hold on to my pain, and with it you are pulling me closer... pulling me into your ways.

around every corner and up every mountain, i'm not looking for crowns or the water from fountains. i'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing that the sight of your face is all that i need.

and i will say to you... it's gonna be worth it all."


lord jesus, you say that i am worth it.... i am worth it to you. even if i am not worth it to anyone else lord... i am worth it to you...

abba, teach me what it means to FEEL worth it.

i want favor with you.

scars

moving to college has been such a huge transition for me.... and i have missed my church and my supportive mentors at home so much..... in a sense, i feel like i've suffered a good amount in the last month, and i haven't allowed myself to process that. i keep pushing it to the back of my mind to avoid it.... to avoid feeling broken about it.... but i realized today that it's a part of this process, and i'm trying to allow myself to be more openly broken right now.

brokenness is good. brokenness is beautiful. and what i'm learning is that not everyone will embrace my brokenness... not everyone will see that it's productive, or how it's shaped me into who i am, or even that it continues to grow and change me for the better... not everyone will see god in the middle of my mess. sometimes i don't even see him... but i know he is there. and what i'm realizing is that i can't let these people convince me that i am fallen because of what has happened to me. not everyone is going to understand. To some people, this pain looks disgusting… it looks like scars that cover me up, and it might look like it’s impossible to get to me without uncovering the scars one by one. Well, it’s true. My past and my pain are a part of me. they don’t go away, even though I can hide them sometimes… but I’m on this journey to this place where I won’t feel the need to hide them anymore. I’m trying to get to a place where I am no longer ashamed or afraid of the ways that god has allowed me to suffer and therefore has shaped me into this creation that he loves.

God has been reminding me constantly how deeply he loves me and how desperate he is for my whole heart… and he continues to tell me this because he knows that some will not understand this journey I’m on…. This journey he is calling me to. He wants me to know how loved I am even when it is not immediately tangible. He is teaching me to love myself despite the scars and the places that are embarrassing, hurtful, and hard to talk about. I truly DO find my worth in the lord… I find that I am treasured, secure, cherished, a royal priesthood, a daughter of the king. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that my worth can’t be measured in earthly standards. Sometimes it feels so important to be valued in another person’s eyes that it is so easy to forget about god’s sovereign promise of where I stand and whose I am. I belong to him… I am his child of promise. I have learned all summer long about how much god loves me, and if I would seek worth in anyone, it would be him.

The thing is, I don’t wear this mask anymore. I refuse to let the world scare me into a corner of cowardice by telling me I have to pretend to be unbroken. Not only will I honestly admit that I have brokenness in my life, but i’m not afraid to talk about it. I have come to terms with honesty in the sense that I am tired of hiding. I have been hiding for years, trying to fit so many molds, when really, god just wanted me to be me. I am tired of answering that I’m “fine” if I’m not… and so I try hard not to... and people seem shocked by that. Imagine what the world would be like if we all provided honest answers to the question “how are you?” on a regular basis? I dare you to try it and see how people respond to you. I will not hide in suffering… not only because I am honest, but because I know that God “works for the good of those who love him”, and I know that he is using my pain for good. He does not waste my hurt… he is using my past to chasten me, to teach me, and to instill in me a sense of compassion… a choice I am making because I was not shown compassion for so many years of my life. I choose to overflow with compassion upon those who blame me for my scars, because god is calling me to be a bondage breaker…. I am being raised up in Christ to break the destructive patterns in my family of bitterness, anger, tearing others down, rejecting religion, apathy, abuse, selfishness… the list goes on and on… I am a warrior on this earth, fighting what is easy… what is so natural for me, even in the home I grew up in. I refuse to allow these things to continue! They stop with me! I never thought I could ever say this, but praise be to the Lord for placing me in a home that would teach me the meaning of pain so that I will never allow a tolerance for that destruction around me and in my own home as long as I can help it. thank the lord for teaching me the meaning of pain so that I can literally mourn with those in my life who mourn. Thank the lord for scarring me so that I bear battle wounds for the lessons he has taught me and the new life he brought to me in the midst of toil. These scars do not rule me, but in fact, they make me beautiful. They make me a real, honest, COMPLETE woman. I no longer believe that scars leave me broken, but scars contribute to my WHOLENESS in Christ that he is providing me day after day. And I am not ashamed to say that I am recovering… that I am still healing. Every day is not perfect… some days are struggles and other days are days of healing… but here I am. This is who I am. I lift my eyes to the hills, and it is God who sustains me... it is in Christ that I find my worth…. It is in the Lord that I find shalom, the ultimate peace…. It is in the power of the Lord’s love that I find the strength to love myself…. All of myself…. Even the scars. Even the past…. Because the creator of the universe looks at me and says I am beloved… he who began a good work in me will complete it…. and God says that is enough. God says his love is enough for me… his grace is enough for me… and I refuse to seek my worth in the eyes of man. i am broken and beautiful.

I WANT IT ALL BACK.

jesus i want it all back!! i want everything satan has taken from me. i want my joy back. i want PEACE back. i want faith, hope, and LOVE back. and today god, i got it back because of what YOU did on the cross. i snatched it back from satan and spit in his face because YOU spit in HIS. nothing can hold me down and NOTHING can separate me from the love of my god!!!


I WANT IT ALL BACK!!!

You hit me hard, I should be knocked out
Things I've been through, don't even wanna talk about
You crossed the line--YOU VIOLATED ME
I want revenge---I want everything back from A to Z
The battle’s not mine, the battle is the Lord’s
In the name of JESUS, I'm takin’ it by force!!!

god, we have easter because DEATH IS DONE!! YOU HAVE WON!!

jesus, you have defeated death even on a cross!!! hallelujah lord!!

you have won my college choice
you have won my unbelief
you have won my doubt
you have won my focus
you have won my heart!!
you have won my struggle against satan
you have won my lifestyle
you have won my emotions
you have won my relationships
you have won my hope
you have won my happiness
you have won my confidence

there is NO CONDEMNATION in christ jesus!! this is the day that the lord has made-- let us rejoice and be glad in it!!

jesus here is my life. here am i. send me lord!! send me to be your messenger. here am i, your servant!! send me!! send me out into the world and use me lord jesus as a vessel of hope and healing!! god i want to shine with your light and your hope!! you have made me a city on a hill shining with your rays-- you are the light in me for the world to see!! a city on a hill cannot be hidden!! praise you lord jesus! praise your name on this earth!! god blessed are your children and blessed are your daughters who love you. we are princesses of the father the king!!! we sit at at your feet and bow before the throne yet you raise us up to be with you father!! we sit on your lap and you cradle us. god your sons are princes of the earth. god we love you and we ask that you would be with us always, even to the end of the age.

thank you for your story god and thank you for this PLAN you have god!!!! thank you for planning to save us father god. oh lord be exalted above all the earth!!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" JEREMIAH 29:11

RAISE UP OUR GENERATION FOR CHRIST!! raise us up to FIGHT FOR JUSTICE against satan and win the battle for you among us!!! god this is our battle cry for our generation!!!!

i don't care what people say about me god!! i will serve you even if it means that i have to be a fool for you in the midst of people who will not believe and who mock me for my passion. i will not die to satan and i will love you and worship you forever, even if it means that people spit in my face like they spit in yours.

THANK YOU FOR THE CROSS!!! thank you for your blood and your pain and your sacrifice for us so that we might have life and have it abundantly!!

thank you for easter lord jesus!!!!

my god is RANDOM.

it is amazing to me how easily god can randomly show up in front of me when i am LEAST expecting it.

i am at all-state, and the choral experience is good... but it is a festival, and for someone like me who HATES festival with everything in me, sometimes i forget that i'm lucky to be here and it becomes just a festival to me... and all i want to do is go somewhere else. today i battled loneliness all day long. everyone has their giants that seem impossible to beat, and loneliness happens to be one of mine. when i'm stuck in the middle of it, it seems like i am trapped completely with no way out. all i want to do is sit down and cry until it all goes away... but unfortunately i've tried that, and i've found out the hard way that it doesn't make it any better. when you're done crying, you're still alone.

today, god knew i'd need him. he knew BEFORE i even knew... and he made provisions for me. he revealed himself to me in an extraordinary way. i was walking towards the elevator at the church we're practicing at, and this old guy is just standing there in the way. he looked at me like he was going to ask me a bunch of questions, so i just did that thing where i totally tried to avoid him without being blatantly rude.... and he said "hey, sweetheart". i walked right past him and punched the elevator button. he started walking away, and right before he turned the corner he said, "love ya." and i stopped cold. coincidence? .... i think not. later in the day, all i could think about in the middle of my loneliness was, "where is god?? where is my god?? he has left me. does he really love me when he does this to me?" and then i remembered what happened earlier... and i knew. i knew why that had happened.

THEN... 2 situations.

SITUATION UNO: as i was walking around downtown (alone of course), feeling just as bad, i went into an art gallery. i was tired of eating and walking and singing... it feels like that is all i have been doing for the past 24 hours... so i went in to refresh my mind, and i was so impressed with the beautiful art in there. i wanted to ask, "how did this artist create this image with acrylic paints ? what technique did she use to make it look like watercolor? how did this guy make a statue of a guy out of CRAYONS??" i was intrigued, and i was in there for at least half an hour... but NO ONE spoke to me. the employees could care less that i was there. then a man in a sharp business suit walked in, and immediately they were all over him. and i stood there in shock.

SITUATION 2: i go into a jewelry store with scott, jd, and bess. we walk in, they take one look at us, and then they keep going like we aren't even there. i find these beautiful earrings that i LOVE, and i want to know how much they are. i ask the guy, and he smarts off to me like i wouldn't even buy them so why am i asking. honestly, i wanted to punch him in the face. it didn't seem to matter that the ring and the necklace i was wearing at the time totaled OVER $1,000 in value (more than the value of most ANYTHING in his store) or that i could easily buy those earrings right then and there if i wanted to. he had no idea how much money i had or how much i knew about jewelry. but he judged me because of my age and just ASSUMED that i was ignorant, broke, and not worth his time.

i was MAD that these people didn't even give me the time of day because they judged me. i'm SORRY that my generation has a bad reputation. i truly am sorry. it sucks for those of us who really do want to rise up and make something of ourselves. and it's not fair. and i want to know when the day will come when i will walk in a store and i won't be judged as "not worth it" because i'll look like i have money or that i'm smart.

so as i'm sitting in rehearsal later brooding over this, i look up, and this girl standing in front of me has this shirt on that says this on the back:

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
-I Timothy 4:12

and immediately i started thinking about that scripture. i am still processing it... but all of this has made me think. if i have ANYTHING i struggle with, god has the answer. he knows, and he will reveal that to me if i pray for wisdom.

what an amazing father we have. a father who answers prayers, heals loneliness, loiters next to elevators to tell us he loves us, and shows up on t-shirts to tell us we're important to him and his purpose and his ministry no matter what age we are. cool.

hurting for our world.

we watched a video today in one of my classes showing 9 minutes of video footage from the indonesia tsunami last december. it showed the waves washing in and killing people- taking them down and washing them away. all i could think about in my mind was, "why god? why? why would you let this happen? do you really love these people? then why?" i can't stop replaying the pictures through my mind and asking those questions. i want to know why them and not me. why are they any different? i feel guilty for having a good day because i know people are suffering. i hate our country for going on living in our wealth and materialism while stuff like this is happening on the other side of our world. i feel shameful for watching that video and then just going on with my day like it never happened or just feeling sad for a little while and then forgetting about it later. how can anyone seriously be human and not be seriously upset by watching that? my teacher said the video was "touching" and that just flat out angers me. how can others' suffering be simply "touching" to us, as we slide back into our days of fancy cars and nice homes and wealth? even the poorest in america are wealthy compared to these people. i'm angry because even after watching these horrible, very real videos, people still continue to do nothing. even after no longer being able to use the excuse of not knowing, of being ignorant americans- even after being educated- we still do nothing. we still call these videos "touching" and go on with our days feeling kind of pitiful, or maybe completely forgetting about it and not feeling anything at all. god says, "to whom much is given, much is required". is it stupid that i feel like i'm obligated to do something? as a child of god, isn't it a command that i get up and do something? how can we as children of god and so-proclaimed followers of christ watch these videos, watch footage on cnn, and proceed on with our daily lives like normal? am i the only one to walk out of that classroom feeling anger and resentment, but also like my heart would fall out of my chest because that's how much i hurt for our world? and yet.... who am i? what can i do? why should it matter that i feel this way when everyone else around me is blinded by their sourness?

"and my soul wells up with hallelujah." -chris rice