hurting for our world.

we watched a video today in one of my classes showing 9 minutes of video footage from the indonesia tsunami last december. it showed the waves washing in and killing people- taking them down and washing them away. all i could think about in my mind was, "why god? why? why would you let this happen? do you really love these people? then why?" i can't stop replaying the pictures through my mind and asking those questions. i want to know why them and not me. why are they any different? i feel guilty for having a good day because i know people are suffering. i hate our country for going on living in our wealth and materialism while stuff like this is happening on the other side of our world. i feel shameful for watching that video and then just going on with my day like it never happened or just feeling sad for a little while and then forgetting about it later. how can anyone seriously be human and not be seriously upset by watching that? my teacher said the video was "touching" and that just flat out angers me. how can others' suffering be simply "touching" to us, as we slide back into our days of fancy cars and nice homes and wealth? even the poorest in america are wealthy compared to these people. i'm angry because even after watching these horrible, very real videos, people still continue to do nothing. even after no longer being able to use the excuse of not knowing, of being ignorant americans- even after being educated- we still do nothing. we still call these videos "touching" and go on with our days feeling kind of pitiful, or maybe completely forgetting about it and not feeling anything at all. god says, "to whom much is given, much is required". is it stupid that i feel like i'm obligated to do something? as a child of god, isn't it a command that i get up and do something? how can we as children of god and so-proclaimed followers of christ watch these videos, watch footage on cnn, and proceed on with our daily lives like normal? am i the only one to walk out of that classroom feeling anger and resentment, but also like my heart would fall out of my chest because that's how much i hurt for our world? and yet.... who am i? what can i do? why should it matter that i feel this way when everyone else around me is blinded by their sourness?

"and my soul wells up with hallelujah." -chris rice

the world in color

so much going through my head right now.... my friend kristen is getting married tomorrow... i am looking at life in a different light, again.

it's like during the whole school year i wear these "tinted glasses" over my eyes to shield me from exposing my real self to the world, but more importantly, to shield the world from seeing me... but with that process comes this tinting of things ... the way i'm seeing life isn't really real.... life isn't all really one color... but then the summer comes and suddenly the glasses are snatched off... and all the sudden i can SEE... i can SEE what's really around me.... i can see colors again when i had forgotten color even existed... and suddenly life is beautiful and i KNOW where i am and where i want to be and where i am going. and i've got this PLAN about how to get there... or at least i think i do.

and all of this is because of my church. so, i know that many of you are going to stop reading now. because you WERE reading something possibly cool, potentially interesting... but now that church has been brought into the picture, you're gonna give up on me. ok. it's your choice.... but it's true. i promise. i don't know WHY it's like this. i don't know WHY church has this effect on me. i don't know WHY i'm one of the ones who just feels so at home there when so so SO many others i know would rather be anywhere but the church... for them, church is a place they feel judged, encroached upon, guilty, bored, tired, put out, pessimistic, bitter, chained to doctrine....and i'm just thinking back over everything i know about jesus and trying to recall a time when the message he was trying to present to us ever matched any of those descriptions.... and i'm not coming up with anything.

i'm finding myself extremely bitter about our country, our world, and what our race has done to mutilate christianity. it truly breaks my heart. i cannot bear it. maybe this is stupid.... but some days when i start thinking about this, i just break down in tears because that is how strongly i feel about this... that is how much it bothers me. i can't bear it when i look around me at a world that has taken something that was and still IS perfect and has distorted it and mutilated it and twisted it and made it into something we can use to get ahead or to beat others down to raise ourselves up or to just be what we want it to be or just to fit inside our own minds. the last time i checked, this whole god thing was bigger than we could ever hope to comprehend... so it kills me when we try to fit god into our own boxes. god has no limitations.... we are the only ones who put limits on god. and that's where the trouble starts. suddenly we limit god, and this beautiful life story becomes something that makes me want to vomit. and it sucks. it sucks living with part of the story but not all of it. it sucks living in this world's "boxed christianity". it sucks that i can't reach out to every person that has ever been hurt by a "christian" and personally apologize on behalf of christ for such a bad portrayal of his intent for life. it sucks that i can't appologize to everyone i've ever offended with my own battered version of "christianity". saying that word just makes me tired.... the word "christianity"..... christianity...... i feel exhausted just typing it. it has so much baggage.... it has such a bad rep these days... it breaks my heart, cause i'll never be able to achieve to show in my life the kind of example of christ that i want to be.... and i'll never live to see a world, a country, a city, or even a community that can remove the tinted glasses and yet feel "comfortable" enough to live without them.

so like i said.... i'm starting to see colors again.... and that's great..... except what do i do when i'm seeing color but the others don't want to take their glasses off? i mean, i wouldn't blame them... who would want to do that when seeing colors has such a horrible rep these days? people who see colors are liars and cheaters and they call themselves "christians" but then they're just like everyone else with the tinted lenses... and sometimes worse.

so how do you get them to take the glasses off? what can you possibly say to make them change their minds when they've watched you proclaim the name of christ and then go act like the scum of the earth? why would they want to take their glasses off when they've watched you act like that? how can they believe that color is better when you say that but then your life looks just as bad as theirs? why risk removing the tinted glass?

i am feeling so broken about our broken world. it is so confusing... how do you live a life balancing on this fence? how do i explain to my parents (who aren't christians, who are also sick of christians and sick of religion) why we worshipped together tonight at kristen's rehearsal dinner? how do i explain to them why i won't marry a man who doesn't share my faith? how do i deal with looking around the world and feeling so overwhelmed with our depravity while i am one very tiny, helpless soul in an ocean?

suddenly, i am starting to ask myself if color really is any better than tinted lenses.

dare to love completely

something else profound my friend kevin wrote:

I saw the inside of a chocolate wrapper today and all it said was "Dare to love completely." Nothing else. This immediately struck me as amazingly prolific. My love is conditional. "I love so and so because they do whatever." When in reality there shouldn't be a because. I should love without condition. No matter what someone does (or doesn't do) I should love them. We often add a "because" onto our love. We say, "I will love you if..." But God doesn't, he just tells us "I will love you, no matter what." This amazes me. Why in the world would God, the creator of everything, say "I will love you" with no stings attached!! What in the world did I do to deserve this extravagant and unconditional love? Nothing, yet I still receive it! That's about as crazy as Donald Trump walking down the street saying "I will give you 1 million dollars because you were the first person I saw." I mean God is crazy for loving us without conditions. But it is that craziness that we try to emulate. We try to love without conditions, but we fail. I try my hardest to love my friends, but there are times where I completely have no love for them because of something they did. And these people are my friends! What kind of friend am I if I wont love them unconditionally??

the hole

i want to post something my friend kevin heim wrote. it is amazingly profound. check it out and think about it.

"We as people stuff out lives with things to fill the hole in our heart, but they just dont fit. We are trying to put a square through the circle hole. I for one try and fill it with alot of stuff, my car, music, friends, and junk that i think will make my life better. But it dosent, it only makes me long for more things. And these things arent nescarrily physcial, they are experiences and actions. These things arent always good, and through my life I have made some bad choices in friends and actions. I think that we all do this because we are afraid to go to God and lay all our junk on the table and ask "Will you love me?" because in life we've been taught that we arent good enough, and that is certainly something I have dealt with in my life. All though my life I always felt that I had to live up to everyones expectaions of me. This especally hit me hard in middle school when i tired to confrom. It tore me apart, i was constantly bouncing from friend to firend without aim. I was adrift in a sea and I didnt know where land was. But I have learned that no matter what junk we have in our life God always says yes! He takes us as-is, with all of our inperfections, screw-ups, and flounders in our life. We often build up walls between us and others because we want to hide our cracked and broken souls. God takes those walls and throws them to the side. He tells me that this messed up life is what he wants it to be. Maybe messing up sucks, but it is what he wants. And somehow I am ok with that."

what if we were all ok with that? just something to think about.

Bible Study #1

today was our first bible study! hooray! here are the notes for yall who couldn't come (or if you just wanna read more about it).

we talked about what it means to be a christian and why we arechristians. and then we mentioned the importance of "mysterious evidence"... how god works in our lives in mysterious ways, and how unexplainable things can be evidence of god for you even if you have don't always have concrete evidence to back up your faith (although that can be a good thing to have sometimes).

Some people believe in Jesus or reject Jesus without ever considering the evidence for either side. Have you ever really thought about why you believe in Jesus as your Savior? Take a minute and think of the reasons (evidences) that have helped you make the decision to believe in or not to believe in Jesus.

Leading up to his death, Jesus was questioned many times by many different people. You can find the whole story in John 18-19, but here’s one of those times (John 18:19-24):

"19Meanwhile, the high priest questioned Jesus about his disciples and his teaching. 20"I have spoken openly to the world," Jesus replied. "I always taught in synagogues or at the temple, where all the Jews come together. I said nothing in secret. 21Why question me? Ask those who heard me. Surely they know what I said." 22When Jesus said this, one of the officials nearby struck him in the face. "Is this the way you answer the high priest?" he demanded. 23"If I said something wrong," Jesus replied, "testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?" 24Then Annas sent him, still bound, to Caiaphas the high priest."

Is it possible to make a totally rational decision about whether or not to follow Jesus Christ, or is it something less than “rational” (or more than rational)?

This week reflect on what you would say if you were asked why you celebrate Easter and also imagine that you are now the one on trial and Jesus is the judge. How well prepared would you say that you are?

We also read talked about the story of Ruth and Naomi and talked about how God provided for them in a mysterious way through Boaz. The Message's version of Ruth 2:5-12 says...

5Boaz asked his young servant who was foreman over the farm hands, "Who is this young woman? Where did she come from?"

6The foreman said, "Why, that's the Moabite girl, the one who came with Naomi from the country of Moab. 7She asked permission. "Let me glean,' she said, "and gather among the sheaves following after your harvesters.' She's been at it steady ever since, from early morning until now, without so much as a break."

8Then Boaz spoke to Ruth: "Listen, my daughter. From now on don't go to any other field to glean--stay right here in this one. And stay close to my young women. 9Watch where they are harvesting and follow them. And don't worry about a thing; I've given orders to my servants not to harass you. When you get thirsty, feel free to go and drink from the water buckets that the servants have filled."

10She dropped to her knees, then bowed her face to the ground. "How does this happen that you should pick me out and treat me so kindly--me, a foreigner?"

11Boaz answered her, "I've heard all about you--heard about the way you treated your mother-in-law after the death of her husband, and how you left your father and mother and the land of your birth and have come to live among a bunch of total strangers. 12GOD reward you well for what you've done--and with a generous bonus besides from GOD, to whom you've come seeking protection under his wings."

first post

well, i liked the idea of putting my spiritual ramblings on the web, mainly because it keeps me organized. but also, i think it has the potential to reach out to people. so i'm hoping if you're reading this, you'll check back here every once and a while and see if you find something interesting to wrap your mind around...

here is a little something i wrote on december 29th. it's kinda crazy, but hey, it's me. ok then.

i just watched the exorcism of emily rose.

i love the epitaph at the end... it's philippians 2:12 (and i've added on 13 as well). here are some different translations of it. and if you don't have time to read all these, just read the first one and skip down to the important part of all this.

"continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" -NIV

"Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure" -the message

"And now that I am away you must be even more careful to put into action God's saving work in your lives, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him." -new living translation

"...work out (cultivate, carry out to the goal, and fully complete) your own salvation with reverence and awe and trembling (self-distrust, with serious caution, tenderness of conscience, watchfulness against temptation, timidly shrinking from whatever might offend God and discredit the name of Christ). Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight." -amplified bible

SUMMARY:

i just think this verse is interesting. i heard bill watkins preach a sermon at crieve hall church of christ last night that touched on what he said was a huge problem in churches of christ everywhere, and i couldn't agree more with what he said... he said that the 2 biggest problems he sees with church of christ congregations are that the people's faith is based on 1) guilt, and 2) fear. and this verse hit home with me because i went through the salvation process in a lot of fear... but i'm not afraid anymore... i was afraid when i wasn't saved, but not now, because i have the assurance in my heart of my salvation. and that's the problem with so many churches... they are SO faithful because they're SO scared... scared of slipping away... scared of not being saved on judgment day... convinced that the christian faith is all about who goes to heaven, and are YOU going?? and i'm definitely not trying to hate on the church of christ... but having faith is so much deeper than that. there is just so much more to it that that. just think about it. just go to bed tonight knowing that if you've done what you need to do and you know it, then you're gonna be okay. start living without fear. don't let fear get in the way of all the ways you could let christ shine in your life if you were free. wake up and live tomorrow knowing that you can be FREE... and try it for one day--try living just one day with that mindset. and just remember what that feels like. live free in christ. let him free you up. i promise, you will never want to go back.

leave comments if you feel moved to do so (or if you just want to...)