my god is RANDOM.

it is amazing to me how easily god can randomly show up in front of me when i am LEAST expecting it.

i am at all-state, and the choral experience is good... but it is a festival, and for someone like me who HATES festival with everything in me, sometimes i forget that i'm lucky to be here and it becomes just a festival to me... and all i want to do is go somewhere else. today i battled loneliness all day long. everyone has their giants that seem impossible to beat, and loneliness happens to be one of mine. when i'm stuck in the middle of it, it seems like i am trapped completely with no way out. all i want to do is sit down and cry until it all goes away... but unfortunately i've tried that, and i've found out the hard way that it doesn't make it any better. when you're done crying, you're still alone.

today, god knew i'd need him. he knew BEFORE i even knew... and he made provisions for me. he revealed himself to me in an extraordinary way. i was walking towards the elevator at the church we're practicing at, and this old guy is just standing there in the way. he looked at me like he was going to ask me a bunch of questions, so i just did that thing where i totally tried to avoid him without being blatantly rude.... and he said "hey, sweetheart". i walked right past him and punched the elevator button. he started walking away, and right before he turned the corner he said, "love ya." and i stopped cold. coincidence? .... i think not. later in the day, all i could think about in the middle of my loneliness was, "where is god?? where is my god?? he has left me. does he really love me when he does this to me?" and then i remembered what happened earlier... and i knew. i knew why that had happened.

THEN... 2 situations.

SITUATION UNO: as i was walking around downtown (alone of course), feeling just as bad, i went into an art gallery. i was tired of eating and walking and singing... it feels like that is all i have been doing for the past 24 hours... so i went in to refresh my mind, and i was so impressed with the beautiful art in there. i wanted to ask, "how did this artist create this image with acrylic paints ? what technique did she use to make it look like watercolor? how did this guy make a statue of a guy out of CRAYONS??" i was intrigued, and i was in there for at least half an hour... but NO ONE spoke to me. the employees could care less that i was there. then a man in a sharp business suit walked in, and immediately they were all over him. and i stood there in shock.

SITUATION 2: i go into a jewelry store with scott, jd, and bess. we walk in, they take one look at us, and then they keep going like we aren't even there. i find these beautiful earrings that i LOVE, and i want to know how much they are. i ask the guy, and he smarts off to me like i wouldn't even buy them so why am i asking. honestly, i wanted to punch him in the face. it didn't seem to matter that the ring and the necklace i was wearing at the time totaled OVER $1,000 in value (more than the value of most ANYTHING in his store) or that i could easily buy those earrings right then and there if i wanted to. he had no idea how much money i had or how much i knew about jewelry. but he judged me because of my age and just ASSUMED that i was ignorant, broke, and not worth his time.

i was MAD that these people didn't even give me the time of day because they judged me. i'm SORRY that my generation has a bad reputation. i truly am sorry. it sucks for those of us who really do want to rise up and make something of ourselves. and it's not fair. and i want to know when the day will come when i will walk in a store and i won't be judged as "not worth it" because i'll look like i have money or that i'm smart.

so as i'm sitting in rehearsal later brooding over this, i look up, and this girl standing in front of me has this shirt on that says this on the back:

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
-I Timothy 4:12

and immediately i started thinking about that scripture. i am still processing it... but all of this has made me think. if i have ANYTHING i struggle with, god has the answer. he knows, and he will reveal that to me if i pray for wisdom.

what an amazing father we have. a father who answers prayers, heals loneliness, loiters next to elevators to tell us he loves us, and shows up on t-shirts to tell us we're important to him and his purpose and his ministry no matter what age we are. cool.