everything is ending

my devastation floods me, as do my tears. eighteen years of life, MY life, are packed into boxes all around me, casually strewn aside. these walls, MY walls, are the color of sea mist, not lavender. MY room WAS lavender. i will, from this point on, forever hate sea mist with all of my being. my stuffed animals are in a trash bag. the air smells like paint fumes.

this room has held my life and breath, my laughter, my tears, my fear, my anxiety. these walls have witnessed my deepest pain and my greatest disparity, and now, all of the sudden, they are being torn away from me without my permission. this sacred space that has held me and always taken me as i am is being violated as i stand by, looking on helplessly. there is NOTHING i can do.

everything is ending. eighteen full years of a family struggling and fighting to survive have been sentenced to death. never more will i trust my mother blindly because never before has there been a time when mother most assuredly has NOT known best. never before have i seen my father in a state of such helplessness, such powerlessness, such sadness. any dreams i ever had of a happily ever after are gone, crushed by the weight of a broken family forever, even if it won't always be my immediate family. i find myself asking simple questions like, "what will my wedding look like?" "what will christmas be like?" and bigger questions, like, "who do i love more?" "what do i do with my anger?" "how do i love my mother when she is the root of such tragedy?" she makes me want to tear my clothing and scream -- out of pain that can't be numbed, out of confusion she won't resolve, out of complete despair and loneliness and longing to be genuinely loved in such a time of utter need.

my wheaton friends are all gone & back with their happy, healthy, and godly families while my family stares uncomfortably as i pray a silent prayer over my food, something i have never had enough courage to do before. i miss my 3 west girls who have a knack for easily taking my mind off the situation, yet i also miss my nashville friends, many of whom are not a part of my life anymore because they have chosen to remove themselves from it. the few faithful ones are the ones who have watched me grow and struggle and mourn and laugh and thrive, and they know me at my core -- they know the girl who always asked too many questions for her own good and spent way too much time interested in the minute, seemingly unimportant details of their lives. now i long for these friendships, but in their old contexts -- before they got married, had babies, moved half way across the country for college, made new and cooler friends, changed their morals, and fell out of love with god.

and where is my god anyways?? where is he while my world is crashing down around me, while my walls are being painted sea mist and my friends are leaving me for three months? where is he when my dad is trying to assure his daughter that it's going to work out, yet inside, he is panicking because he has no idea? where is he when my closest friend isn't sad to leave me behind, but i'm trying to pick up the pieces?

i wonder if mary ever felt like this. did she ever feel abandoned by god, her family, and her friends all at the same time? if so, i got just what i asked for. maybe i should stop praying to be like mary.