worth it

one thing god is teaching me is the exact depth of his perfection. as a woman who has relied on other people throughout her entire life to make or break her happiness, it can be frustrating, even devastating when someone doesn't come through. when someone else can't be everything i need, it is easy to let my world fall apart. unfortunately, this hurts the other person... what huge responsibility! and it hurts me too... what huge expectations in a being as infallible as a human! yet, god is PERFECT. god doesn't fall through for me when i have needs. god is a perfect father in every way. i can call on him at any point, even late at night or early in the morning, and he will be there for me 100%. he won't leave me dragging my feet through the desert sand, feeling so thirsty and finding no water in sight... or worse, finding only enough water for one sip.... a sip that teases me enough to torment me with hope but not enough to quench me, as friendship can often do. just knowing his name is like water... just in calling him my abba. just meditating on his peace is sometimes more than i can deal with at once.

i am overwhelmed with how much i owe him, how broken i find myself before him, yet how much he has provided so that i am now called a royal priesthood...a holy nation...... ......beloved daughter. those words sting me deeply in an incomprehensible way.... i don't understand the depth of those words, and i do not understand that love... but i know how much i want it. i want it so badly that my body aches for it... my heart cries out to comprehend it... my soul thirsts to know what it means to be cherished. and yet, the lord does not waste my suffering. it is worth it. it is worth it for me to suffer for his purposes. he is worth my suffering. this song could not explain it better:

"worth it all" - rita springer

"i don't understand your ways.... oh but i will give you my song! give you all of my praise. you hold on to my pain, and with it you are pulling me closer... pulling me into your ways.

around every corner and up every mountain, i'm not looking for crowns or the water from fountains. i'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing that the sight of your face is all that i need.

and i will say to you... it's gonna be worth it all."


lord jesus, you say that i am worth it.... i am worth it to you. even if i am not worth it to anyone else lord... i am worth it to you...

abba, teach me what it means to FEEL worth it.

i want favor with you.